You know what I liked best about today?

The end of it.

Today was probably my worst day here….

It started off fine. I woke up and had breakfast and talked to Madame. Kristine the housing lady was coming today at 11 but I didn’t have to be here. But it is nice to know that they do at least check on where you are living, that is a good thing. We got a stellar report I hear. I took off about 45 minutes early to go and study some more. There were a couple girls who had the same idea so we bounced ideas and concepts off of each other. I was feeling pretty confident.

Class started and we got the papers with the images. They were mostly ones I had studied the most so I was very happy. I felt pretty confident. The girl next to me finished in not even 10 minutes and went to the professor who pretty much was like ummm no. This should take you longer you are going o fail if you turn it in this fast. This is because they are like you need to write an actual paper on them. I felt pretty good though and remembered all the vocab and dates mostly (iffy on one of them) but overall I think I did about as good as I could and I think I did pretty well.

I was exhausted by the time I finished though. I turned mine in when about ¾ of the class was done which I feel pretty good about. Usually that means that I knew more or put in more detail, so that was good. But my brain was pretty fried afterwards. So after that I went and got a baguette and an apple for lunch, as well as a Kinder egg and some smurfs. Kinder eggs are cool. Mlle Pearman gave them to us once and told us how they are illegal in the US because they are edible eggs that contain like little games or prizes on the inside. But that our government doesn’t think we are smart enough to realize that the plastic inside the chocolate egg isn’t edible. I got a puzzle with cute animals in mine.

After that I watched some youtube videos that Spencer had made of him playing Minecraft. I really liked that. It let my mind take a break and I got to watch my brother play a game which I always like. After that I had about 4 hours before class. I did my Literature homework for tomorrow which didn’t take too long and then started studying for my French test of 328 verbs and adjectives which all have to do with the 5 senses. So yeah they are all in a way either the same definition or almost the exact same. DO you see a problem with this? Do you also realize the caliber of 328 words? 328! Trois cent vingt-huit mots. That’s a lot. That’s a lot of accent marks to know, and definitions and a lot of words to distinguish from one another. THAT’S A LOT!!!! Do you see a problem coming?! Well you should…

So I studied and made flashcards and wrote the words out and looked up all the definitions (Because they weren’t all discussed in class and there were no definitions on the sheet.) This took quite a while and with over three hundred words it was really hard to keep them all straight.

Pretty soon study time was up so I went to class. I talked to everyone else and they were totally lost too. But I mean a lot of people say that and then are not… So I dunno. We were all hoping when the professor didn’t show up after 5 minutes that class was cancelled but then the secretary came and told us she would be there in ten minutes. I was happy for the extra study time… When she got there though she handed out the test right away.

Okay here we go. First part the 5 senses I knew this would be on it what are the names of them. Uhhh okay la vue (sight), le toucher (touch), ummm crap. What are the actual names for the other two. L’oeil? Or is that eye? Umm it is something like that though. Crap. Okay what body parts are they that do those? Okay easy done. Second part: Here is a sentence now give a synonym. Ummm what? Okay… SO a word that means admire but isn’t admire in French umm…. Yeah nothing blank completely blank. Really? Of the 150+ verbs I just studied for hours I can remember none!? Okay skip okay.

Third part: Here’s a bunch of words put them in the box from one of the 5 senses. Okay so I know some of these so put those ones in. Oh crap these are mostly adjectives and I didn’t study those as much as the verbs because I figured they would be more useful. So I literally have no clue for like 6 of these… Okay well I think the best chance is to put them all in the same box because then at least maybe one of them will be right.

Fourth part: use sentir (smell) , se sentir (to feel) ressentir (feel for someone else) Is that how it works? I think so. But how do I conjugate them like this? She didn’t even tell us that this was going to be on the test! I could have had this easy but I didn’t know it was going to be on here and has not been on the forefront of my mind!

So Literally I did not have a clue for over half of this test even though I studied because there were just too many words. Awesome. Turn paper over put head down and try to forget this ever happened.

After a few more minutes the professor came and took our papers. I didn’t even lift my head when she took mine. I knew I did horrible. I know that I completely failed it. There is no well maybe I will get a C. No. I failed. I have never felt more horrible for a test than that test ever before in the history of my life. What a failure. How could I remember nothing? How is that possible? I know I wasn’t absorbing much when I studied because of having a test earlier but REALLY KACY!? REALLY!? You can’t remember a single verb for admire!?

We started class and the professor was saying she was going to grade us easy but I just new it was so bad. I started tearing up and was trying o not make a deal about it but the professor when she looked at me was like do you want to leave? And I was like Yes. And then ran out. As soon as I hit the hallway I broke. And probably the class of only like 8 of us all heard it and I was embarrassed. I knew it was going to be horrible so why am I having this reaction. Everyone else probably did badly and they aren’t freaking out. It’s because I’m me and I can’t handle failing. I just really cannot. So I ran downstairs to go to the bathroom but it was busy so I just went down the hallway and cried. And I knew I needed to suck it up and go back but I just wanted to cry. I miss home. I miss my family. I miss Thad. I miss talking to someone who knows and likes me and who sees me for the person that I am and cares about what I say and think and do. I miss feeling heard and feeling comfortable with where I am. I miss not having to pretend that I fit in. I miss my friends who I know support me. And I miss the professors who find me interesting and who listen to my opinions and thought and care about if I am having a horrible day. I miss the security of knowing my surrounding and not feeling like a complete outsider all the time. I miss everything and I miss not failing tests because I can’t comprehend and learn 300 words at a time.

About two minutes later the school secretary came out of the bathroom and came over to see if I was okay. I toke her I was just sad because I just failed a test and that is 100% unusual for me and I was homesick and haven’t been able to talk to anyone for almost a week. She asked if I wanted or needed anything and tried to comfort me and she was helping but I told her I just needed a minute to put myself back together so I could go back to class. I just kept sitting there saying if Mom was here she would tell you there isn’t a way out and you just need to suck it up and go back and do it. You can’t leave. You have to go to class. So just suck it up put it behind you and go back to class. There’s nothing you can do about it now. So once I got myself together I went back. I came in and sat in my seat and avoided eye contact with everyone and started translating the text we had. The professor came over and asked if I was okay and I said yes in a very choked up voice. Stupid vocal cords.

We went on with class as usual but the professor didn’t come check my work as usual and kind of just let me be. I kept getting choked up and teary during class as I kept getting reminded of the test and how bad it was. Even now I’m choked up writing this. But also when I get stressed like that my vocal cords tighten up a lot and it hurts so I cry because it hurts but then that doesn’t help either. So it was just all a bad combo. My friends infront of me kind of were avoiding eye contact as well which I was glad for. Nothing worse than crying in class and then having everyone staring at you. Finally and not a moment too soon the class was over. I figured the professor might want to talk to me and that was something I’d rather avoid as I would just start up again so I left with everyone else. When we got outside Kelan asked what was wrong and I told him I was homesick and failed that and my internet hasn’t been working and all that. Christelle said she would ask her roommate for the free wifi city code so I could have that as an option. I started crying again which I hate because my crying sounds so fake I feel like so I hate to cry in front of people. But they were really cool about it. My professor walked by and said she hopes I feel better. So that was enough for me. I got myself together and then walked back home stopping to send Thad a text of what sort of happened.

I came home and was glad for some me time. I started reading so I could get my mind on something else. Madame came home about 20 minutes later. She asked how I was and could tell I was upset. I told her my morning test had gone well but my second one hadn’t. She’d seen the sheet I was working with and after I told her sort of the layout of the test she was like that sounds super hard. And I was like yeah hence why I did really badly. She gave me a don’t beat yourself up speech and that French is a hard language even for her and it is her native language and that I’ll get it next time but shouldn’t beat myself up. I said yeah. Then we went downstairs. Madame told Paul I did badly on a test so I was sad. He didn’t understand what a test was because they don’t have them t his age yet so we had to explain it. He sort of got it. Then we played balloon and he showed me his new Skylander dude and then we played throw th basketball in the little hoop from across the room which was difficult. Madame did it on her first try. Too bad I suck at throwing things. But it was a good game for a while. Then Paul wanted to know what my headbad was so I took it off and showed him and then he had me hold it while he tried to throw the bll through it and into the basket. He couldn’t, but I could. After that Laurence and Jean-Claude came home and we went upstairs. Madame explained how to tell if the mood is waxing or waning which was cool. If it makes a P with a line it is starting to be full if id is a d then it is ending being full. So that is cool and easy to remember! Cool trick.

When we came upstairs I started reading again and Madame made dinner. We had salad and her honey and lemon chicken. YUM. It was really good especially because she didn’t put anything on it that I don’t like! Win for once today… After that we talked about what Kristine said, and about astrological signs and birthdays of different people and stuff like that. I feel like we are a good pair her and I. We get along really well. I think some of the people at school would really not get along with her. There is a level of graciousness and politeness that a lot of people here don’t have that I feel like is required…  like that we are good at communicating.

I am so glad that today is over though. I wish it was Thursday so that I wouldn’t even have to go to school tomorrow… I am so like done with school right now…